Walking the dog in the cold rain down an unusually quiet suburban street at 11am on a Friday, tears falling only distinguishable by the warmth on my cheeks, I realised with no noticeable emotion but an inner feeling of deep loss, that I had given up on myself.
Many times over the years and for many different reasons (which I will expand on in later reflections) I had gone through phases of feeling sorry for myself, feeling fat and ugly, feeling like I wasn't lovable, feeling like I wasn't good enough, that I never tried as hard as I could, that I was unlucky, that I would forever make excuses that outlived my promises.
But never until this very moment did it occur to me that for longer than I can recall I had been telling myself internally that I was simply was not worthy. That I was too broken, too much of a quitter, too lazy, that I could never compete with the people out there who were prettier, smarter, funnier, nicer, more talented and genuinely better than me. That I was too far gone to ever be anything great now. That I didn't have anyone who truly believed in me and my potential. That I would never be good enough for anyone. That I was a failure of a person and would fail at everything in life so there was no point in even trying.
In reality, for my entire life I had failed. But not at all those things I mentioned above. I had failed someone, not something. I had failed the only person in the world who will be there for me til the end. The only person who has the power to change my life for the better...I had failed me.
With this realisation, came two more almost immediately.
Knowing that for as long as I truly felt like a failure on the inside, I would continue to self-destruct on the outside. Piece by piece I would continue to break until I fell apart altogether.
And understanding that in order to change I needed to stop blaming the world for my disappointments, I needed to take responsibility for my actions and I needed to change my emotions to facilitate the journey to become the person I want to be. Not stay held back by the person I thought I was.
I admit, all of the bad things people have said or done to me throughout my life (both intentional and as an unfortunate consequence to their own journeys) have indeed contributed to the person I have become today, a person I don't like anymore, or even respect for that matter. But this speaks more truth about me and my own beliefs.
By making excuses and blaming others for my failures I was subconsciously choosing to be a victim. Why? It's easier to understand the world if you can pinpoint it to the good guys and the bad guys. To justify an action. To avoid something instead of dealing with it. But it's not how life should be. People will hurt you. And you will hurt people. There is no avoiding this. But the biggest hurt of all is wasting your own life.
Irrespective of whether an external factor contributed to my demise. I always had the power to be better. To do better. But I didn't believe this. And that is where my journey started.
The time had come when I had to change. Not for anyone else but for my own well-being. And the first step in changing your actions, is to understand what causes them...your emotions.
Over the "Piecing Myself Back Together' blog series I will be raw, honest and transparent about all the things that have happened in my life, and how I learnt to pick up the broken pieces of my life, of myself, and piece myself back together in a way that will make me the best version I can possibly be.
It's on ongoing story and I invite you to follow my journey (subscribe to my blog) in the hope that it will resonate, and possibly inspire those who need mending, to do the same.
Chelsea x